Fire in the Bones

I had the ultimate luxury today. I slept, near as I can tell, 12 solid hours or so. I got up with an immediate list of things to be done today. Most of the tasks had been on the list for a while. Okay, I received the Angel Card “Honesty” today, which is where the Angel stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself vs. the Angel Card of “Truth,” where two Angels face one another, holding hands. Quite a difference, yes? So, under the banner of honesty, some of those daily tasks have been put off for months.

Not the point or a priority, clearly. This is the one year anniversary of my blog, Chasing Rabbit Holes.com, and I have eagerly watched as the stats mounted in the last month – out of nowhere – jumping way up high in November and continuing. Some days, just a murmer of interest, and other days, people just flocked in droves – let’s be clear here – droves for me means 30 or 40 people read, views went from a high of 34 in April to 166 for one day. What had I written that accounted for this? Beats the heck of me. Truly. I never know what you will like or walk on by, other than it is NEVER what I think it will be, proving the truism, “Write what you want. Write what refuses to stay inside. Let the readership be what it will be.”

So, let’s start right there.

Please note: There are two glasses there backlighted by a lovely golden aura with lots of bubbles in the glasses. Yes! This choice is because it is between you and me. Thank you.

You may have had enough of my thank yous as I spent yesterday saying a great big thanks to individuals and friends and friends who have become family. If so, you’ll want to stop reading right now.

A friend of mine said long ago that when it came to celebrating a milestone, by the time it happened, he frequently felt it was a “whispered whoopee.” I remember thinking, “What a shame! To miss an achievement because the fight was long and dreary…” I resolved at that moment in time that I would celebrate each and every piece of good news at the time it happened, rather than waiting for the final achievement. I recommend this because over the years nothing has stood me in greater stead than that. You need each and every flame burning bright or low, but burning, to keep the flame alive.

Because I do morning pages, I have the ability to go back in time and see what I was thinking and feeling that day. Last year, at this time, I had spent days prepping and learning about blogging, the actual account opened on December 12th, the first blog posted – actually the first two posts posted on 12/15/2012. (You can see these in the December 2012 archive off to the right side of the home page –hint.) It came as a surprise to read I had held off launching because the day I was going to launch was the day of the Connecticut school shooting and it did not feel right to launch.

Writing is like giving birth. One person put it: “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.” What they don’t tell you is that good, bad or indifferent, those writings are your children and you love them fiercely, or at least, I love my stuff fiercely. Most of my stuff could do with quite a bit of rewrite. I know that and I don’t care. Life is short. Get it out while you can. If you care enough, you can go back and rewrite it. But I love my children, be it my writing or my paintings. I do not want to change a word or a brush stroke even while acknowledging they’d be much the better for it. I have followed that here at Chasing Rabbit Holes, some days publishing four posts and once going a week without summing up 200 words for a post. And, yet, you keep coming back. There is one reader named Inavukic, who never comments, but is almost always the first to read a post and click Like. She is amazingly loyal and kind. Her passion is Croatia. I do not know if Ina Vukic actually reads my material or why. But I look for her. She, and each one of you, make a difference to me.

It has long been a custom of mine that when I’m broke around Christmas time, I write letters of appreciation to my friends, recounting what they have done throughout the year and how much I have loved being a part of their lives and what a difference they have made in mine. Someone I love dearly is going through a rough time right now and I have tried to figure out what to do for this beloved of mine. This person got suckerpunched one too many times and has retreated, snarling and snapping like the very best of curmudgeons. Rarely do we laugh as we used to, yet the other night on the phone, we did. This beloved talks seriously of exiting and feels it is within their rights as a human being to call quits when they have had enough. I do not know how to answer that. I have, however, come a long way in understanding how someone can reach that point.

I have asked God to help me help this person. Pep talks will not do it. Guilting will not do it. The flame must come from within. The Fire in the Belly, so to speak. Better yet, the fire in the bones as Jeremiah puts it. I have stood witness, I have listened, I have tried arguments. All have fallen on deaf ears. Today, it was a choice: write my anniversary post or write this person? Or both? Slowly, it bubbled forward that what might be in order is a letter of appreciation of my beloved friend. Much like in the way of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” It may not make a difference, but what if it did and I had not done it?

I went back into my Documents, knowing that in the past I had written letters of appreciation. Could not find one of ’em. Okay, I thought, back to square one. Start from scratch. Then I changed the search parameters and up popped the 2005 letters and one written to keep a promise I had made in Toastmaster’s. As I recall, we had put together some sort of project wherein the members of Toastmaster’s would bid on items and to the highest bidder would go the item. I apparently pledged that I would write a letter of appreciation, a form of ego feeding (E.F.ing), to the winning bidder. Out of curiosity, I opened the document and was simply stunned. Out of privacy for the recipient, I have blanked out his last name and mine. This is not the same person as the beloved I am concerned about. What if I wrote my friend something similar? Would it help? In the nature of the physician’s oath, it certainly will not hurt. I have acted as a spiritual adviser to a few and I believe in a light touch with an occasional shouting match. This one calls for love. I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued in my faithfulness to thee. Semper Fi. May it be so.